19th

Today is the 19th day..... Still being blocked.. Still crying...

I don't understand... what blocking really means? Based on current situation, I am in the opinion that blocking is the worst gesture in world of communication... 

Obviously, a blocker is conveying something to a blockee... tapi camna nak paham... it is a conversation in absence of interaction... Can we sue Whatsapp for providing that setting?

Malas rasanya nak cerita pasal menda ni lagi... 

BTW I shared something with one of the many Whatsapp groups that I am in.. a newly created one.. this time around the members are my "old friends".. only two..  yang aku kuar makan mi kolok semalam... Those are friends yang banyak aku share.. and banyak jugak aku sorok.. yang banyak kali gak aku ditched, yang few times gak aku avoid....

They can be extremely supportive... they can be very positive.. tapi... they also can be arrogant... can be annoying too... but one thing for sure.. they always speak the truth. Itu yang aku mahu. 

So aku dengan tabah hati dan berani rentetan dari semalam yang menghangatkan hati, maka aku found another Whatsapp group.. the main objective.. to support me not to make the same stupid mistake... cukuplah aku "hilang" the TC (toxic handler).. I can't afford to lose my family.. or the worse.. losing my self.. 

Yeah I know.. it is all about me.. yeah me.. me is important.. at least, me is important for me. (despite my "extraordinary talent and my brain which... if I were a God.. a Hindu's one.. I might be Lord Ganesha.. a Greek god sounds good too... and.. yadda.. yadda.. yadda.... which make me convinced that I am a national asset..  or a living treasure.. hahah)... I know I must keep my sanity...  the rest of my life.. period.

Kendati (hahaha.. not pedati), a sober me is extremely important.. at least for me. I do this for me.

I can't recall what did I share with that whatsapp group.. apa ek? Aduh luipa la... that was in the morning. Sekarang ni tengah waktu Maghrib. For sure, it was about rintihan and ratapan... meratap kehilangan.

Yes, it has been 18 days... still aku masih meratap. Aku pun tak tahu what is the real reason... Is it really because of the TC? Is TC really important in my life? Or is it about me? Me who can't stand being alone? No.. I love being alone.... no biggie for me.. then what?

As far as I know... apart from the Chinese yang suka upah orang meratap kat belakang elaborated truck yang bawak a dead body.. another nation that accepts ratapan in their culture is the Jew... That "wailing wall." Perhaps I should go there and perform that "ritual." Then, the pain.. the sorrow.. and this prolonged sadness will go... 

You know... that strengthens my belief... which I am partly Jew.. I am half Jewish... yeah.. because of the brain and me who love and choose to meratap in many circumstances.. not only bila kena tinggal... or kena block. 

Tapi, dua hujah tu (the brain and suka meratap) and kalau tambah satu lagi yang aku share the same date of birth dengan Karl Marx... tak cukup kuat to support. 

The biggest doubt is my look.. I have strong Mongoloid features. Can't find any physical part that is Caucasian... Especially my nose. 

Kalau ikut tulisan Jawi... cuba eja "Jew"... Jim Wau... so, being JimWau can be Jawi.. or can be Jawa.. Aku rasa aku Jawa jelah kot... haha.. but still I believe I am half Jewish.. the sense is so strong.

BTW, there were quite a number of Jewish people all around South East Asia. Kat Penang, there is a Jewish cemetery.. kalu google there were traces of Jewish people kat banyak cities in Indonesia.. macam Padang.. even the assimilated Jewish community kat Surabaya is claimed still in existence. Pastu kat Menado, the northernmost part of Sulawesi, diorang kata kat sana dulu ada the Jews.

Aku rasa aku patut cek my DNA.. datuk aku, maternal side.. he was directly from Padang... mungkin patut cek.

Apapun, berbalik kepada wacana sebenar.... camna eh nak jadi happy? Or how to overcome a prolonged sadness?

Mak aku baru je call jap tadi. Sorry Emak, I can't really sembang with you lately. Kalu kat telepon memang aku akan breakdown... aku tak tahan tanggung kesedihan... in fact sekarang sedang terisak-isak menangis... Aku sedih kenangkan orang tak sabar... tak boleh nak menunggu. I don't blame em. Kalu aku di posisi mereka, mungkin aku juga menjauh.

Apapun aku ni tak pernah menyerah... susah putus asa... tak putus asa lah yang buat aku boleh habis bachelor degree... walhal my first ever GPA was 1.87.. masa habiskan program DPA.. me DPA II... aku nye CGPA was 2.47... tak dapat fly.. masa aku struggled kat PPP aku penah sembang dengan Gina (nama sebenar).. aku cakap aku nak pindah pegi "Bukit"... senang sikit.. tapi beliau cakap.. "don't... alang-alang menyeluk pekasam..." Pastu KMT (people called him that way.. I don't remember his full name.. dia advised aku... "Bad, prioritize...." Advises from both really helped me to go through life kat PPP... lepas PPP.. a year later.. I was in Philly.. aku sangat bangga with that achievement sampai sekarang...

Tak pernah menyerah.. tajuk lagu Dayang Nurfaizah.. aku suka lagu tu. Tak give up? Is it really a good thing? Is it really a good attribute than one can have? In a situation it can be good, but it may be not good for all circumstances... Aku pun tak tahu...

Aku selalu percaya kalau mahu lawan kesedihan... kena face it.. confront it.. swallow it.. macam teruskan bersedih bagi mengatasi kesedihan... bila dah telan semua kesedihan... maka takde lagi yang tinggal.... hmmm.. tapi pasti ada yang kata... bila kita telan semua kesedihan maka kita akan jadi kesedihan.... yakni kita adalah kesedihan.... This is based on concept 'you are what you eat"

Tapi to my defense.. our body ada very own very mechanism untuk memecahkan particles kesedihan menjadi something else... macam udara masuk dalam peparu... yang diterima masuk only oxygen, and yang kuar is carbon dioxide.. macam makanan.. tak semua being stored by the body.. ada yang keluar jadi tahi.. even kalau lembu.. tahi can be useful... 

Itu sebab aku tidak percaya dengan this phrase.. "we choose to be happy." that doesn't showcase self confidence.. that is not esteem.. apatahlagi strenght.... itu pretending.. itu hypocrisy.. itu escapism... thus, itu the epitome of self-denial!!!

Nak get rid kesedihan... biar ia pergi secara alami... bukan dengan paksa... mahu menjemput kegembiraan datang... ia datang apabila kesedihan pergi.. yeah aku tak percaya yang kita upaya orchestrate emotions.

Lagi satu, I don't opt for escapism... I face my biggest tall wall of fear... I confront my sadness.

Hah.. another mind-boggling thing.. why do we hate sadness? Why do we fear sadness? Why can't we appreciate this another god-created emotion???? Why???

Cherish it, embrace it....

So far the sadness due to 'the silence' has worked well for my PhD. Chapter I, Chapter II, and Chapter III are ready to be scrutinized by my supervisors... and I strongly believe... tidak mungkin akan ada lagi kesilapan yang sama.

Ya Allah, kau permudahkanlah segalanya.

Hmmm.. nak Maghrib. Semoga malam ni berjaya mulakan Chapter IV... Please banyak progress.