Sate

Aku terdengar lagu "stay" lelaki nyanyi kat TV... Lisa Loeb

Aku suka gila lagu tu... BTW aku memang "stay".. aku tak pernah menjauh..

Semalam aku buat introduction for chapter 4. Boleh buat, tapi memang menangis lah.. itu memang resepi biasa. apatahlagi bila the toxic handler (TC) dah takde.

Selalu TC yang akan layan akunya aduan tentang kepayahan buat thesis.

Intro dah cun.. (argh teringat Mok Cun.. hate that series and yang sewaktu dengannya.. they don't sound utara at all)...

But then bila proceed with issues in PRU-13.. aku stuck. Aku dah lupa.. and nak dapatkan information.. aku tak tau cemana...

Aku selalu ngadu kat TC.. tapi dia dah takde... aku serious tak tahan.... tolong lah wei unblock...

Ko block kepala otak aku pun sekali kena block la... aku tak tahan ko buat aku camni...

Yeah blogging is good for self expression... but yet this thing is merely monolog... I need a dialog...

Again air mata keluar.. tak tahan...

Jap.. let me add something kat intro.. kena letak pasal in PRU-13 BN and PR sama-sama adalah parti pemerintah...

Aku stuck la... bila tengok balik.. aku rasa that into is meant for chapter 5 and not for chap 4...

aku rasa macam kena baca dulu la..

Tapi aku kena make sure gak yang aku ada progress malam ni... tak boleh takde..

19th

Today is the 19th day..... Still being blocked.. Still crying...

I don't understand... what blocking really means? Based on current situation, I am in the opinion that blocking is the worst gesture in world of communication... 

Obviously, a blocker is conveying something to a blockee... tapi camna nak paham... it is a conversation in absence of interaction... Can we sue Whatsapp for providing that setting?

Malas rasanya nak cerita pasal menda ni lagi... 

BTW I shared something with one of the many Whatsapp groups that I am in.. a newly created one.. this time around the members are my "old friends".. only two..  yang aku kuar makan mi kolok semalam... Those are friends yang banyak aku share.. and banyak jugak aku sorok.. yang banyak kali gak aku ditched, yang few times gak aku avoid....

They can be extremely supportive... they can be very positive.. tapi... they also can be arrogant... can be annoying too... but one thing for sure.. they always speak the truth. Itu yang aku mahu. 

So aku dengan tabah hati dan berani rentetan dari semalam yang menghangatkan hati, maka aku found another Whatsapp group.. the main objective.. to support me not to make the same stupid mistake... cukuplah aku "hilang" the TC (toxic handler).. I can't afford to lose my family.. or the worse.. losing my self.. 

Yeah I know.. it is all about me.. yeah me.. me is important.. at least, me is important for me. (despite my "extraordinary talent and my brain which... if I were a God.. a Hindu's one.. I might be Lord Ganesha.. a Greek god sounds good too... and.. yadda.. yadda.. yadda.... which make me convinced that I am a national asset..  or a living treasure.. hahah)... I know I must keep my sanity...  the rest of my life.. period.

Kendati (hahaha.. not pedati), a sober me is extremely important.. at least for me. I do this for me.

I can't recall what did I share with that whatsapp group.. apa ek? Aduh luipa la... that was in the morning. Sekarang ni tengah waktu Maghrib. For sure, it was about rintihan and ratapan... meratap kehilangan.

Yes, it has been 18 days... still aku masih meratap. Aku pun tak tahu what is the real reason... Is it really because of the TC? Is TC really important in my life? Or is it about me? Me who can't stand being alone? No.. I love being alone.... no biggie for me.. then what?

As far as I know... apart from the Chinese yang suka upah orang meratap kat belakang elaborated truck yang bawak a dead body.. another nation that accepts ratapan in their culture is the Jew... That "wailing wall." Perhaps I should go there and perform that "ritual." Then, the pain.. the sorrow.. and this prolonged sadness will go... 

You know... that strengthens my belief... which I am partly Jew.. I am half Jewish... yeah.. because of the brain and me who love and choose to meratap in many circumstances.. not only bila kena tinggal... or kena block. 

Tapi, dua hujah tu (the brain and suka meratap) and kalau tambah satu lagi yang aku share the same date of birth dengan Karl Marx... tak cukup kuat to support. 

The biggest doubt is my look.. I have strong Mongoloid features. Can't find any physical part that is Caucasian... Especially my nose. 

Kalau ikut tulisan Jawi... cuba eja "Jew"... Jim Wau... so, being JimWau can be Jawi.. or can be Jawa.. Aku rasa aku Jawa jelah kot... haha.. but still I believe I am half Jewish.. the sense is so strong.

BTW, there were quite a number of Jewish people all around South East Asia. Kat Penang, there is a Jewish cemetery.. kalu google there were traces of Jewish people kat banyak cities in Indonesia.. macam Padang.. even the assimilated Jewish community kat Surabaya is claimed still in existence. Pastu kat Menado, the northernmost part of Sulawesi, diorang kata kat sana dulu ada the Jews.

Aku rasa aku patut cek my DNA.. datuk aku, maternal side.. he was directly from Padang... mungkin patut cek.

Apapun, berbalik kepada wacana sebenar.... camna eh nak jadi happy? Or how to overcome a prolonged sadness?

Mak aku baru je call jap tadi. Sorry Emak, I can't really sembang with you lately. Kalu kat telepon memang aku akan breakdown... aku tak tahan tanggung kesedihan... in fact sekarang sedang terisak-isak menangis... Aku sedih kenangkan orang tak sabar... tak boleh nak menunggu. I don't blame em. Kalu aku di posisi mereka, mungkin aku juga menjauh.

Apapun aku ni tak pernah menyerah... susah putus asa... tak putus asa lah yang buat aku boleh habis bachelor degree... walhal my first ever GPA was 1.87.. masa habiskan program DPA.. me DPA II... aku nye CGPA was 2.47... tak dapat fly.. masa aku struggled kat PPP aku penah sembang dengan Gina (nama sebenar).. aku cakap aku nak pindah pegi "Bukit"... senang sikit.. tapi beliau cakap.. "don't... alang-alang menyeluk pekasam..." Pastu KMT (people called him that way.. I don't remember his full name.. dia advised aku... "Bad, prioritize...." Advises from both really helped me to go through life kat PPP... lepas PPP.. a year later.. I was in Philly.. aku sangat bangga with that achievement sampai sekarang...

Tak pernah menyerah.. tajuk lagu Dayang Nurfaizah.. aku suka lagu tu. Tak give up? Is it really a good thing? Is it really a good attribute than one can have? In a situation it can be good, but it may be not good for all circumstances... Aku pun tak tahu...

Aku selalu percaya kalau mahu lawan kesedihan... kena face it.. confront it.. swallow it.. macam teruskan bersedih bagi mengatasi kesedihan... bila dah telan semua kesedihan... maka takde lagi yang tinggal.... hmmm.. tapi pasti ada yang kata... bila kita telan semua kesedihan maka kita akan jadi kesedihan.... yakni kita adalah kesedihan.... This is based on concept 'you are what you eat"

Tapi to my defense.. our body ada very own very mechanism untuk memecahkan particles kesedihan menjadi something else... macam udara masuk dalam peparu... yang diterima masuk only oxygen, and yang kuar is carbon dioxide.. macam makanan.. tak semua being stored by the body.. ada yang keluar jadi tahi.. even kalau lembu.. tahi can be useful... 

Itu sebab aku tidak percaya dengan this phrase.. "we choose to be happy." that doesn't showcase self confidence.. that is not esteem.. apatahlagi strenght.... itu pretending.. itu hypocrisy.. itu escapism... thus, itu the epitome of self-denial!!!

Nak get rid kesedihan... biar ia pergi secara alami... bukan dengan paksa... mahu menjemput kegembiraan datang... ia datang apabila kesedihan pergi.. yeah aku tak percaya yang kita upaya orchestrate emotions.

Lagi satu, I don't opt for escapism... I face my biggest tall wall of fear... I confront my sadness.

Hah.. another mind-boggling thing.. why do we hate sadness? Why do we fear sadness? Why can't we appreciate this another god-created emotion???? Why???

Cherish it, embrace it....

So far the sadness due to 'the silence' has worked well for my PhD. Chapter I, Chapter II, and Chapter III are ready to be scrutinized by my supervisors... and I strongly believe... tidak mungkin akan ada lagi kesilapan yang sama.

Ya Allah, kau permudahkanlah segalanya.

Hmmm.. nak Maghrib. Semoga malam ni berjaya mulakan Chapter IV... Please banyak progress.

Kolok

Damn.. I just met my two BFF.. They came all the way from Bangi to see the trouble me.. yeah.. ok gak dengan diorangnya advise.. but I did tell em.. just listen.. no comment.. tapi still dok komen-komen.. what I should.. what shouldn't.. ni bukan lagi komen tapi dok preaching.. damn.. that was the last thing I wanna hear.. anyway aku appreciate diorang datang.. sebab memang rasa lega pun..

But then now I understand why people turn to blogging for curhat.. especially the youngsters.

Hmmmm... entahlah..

By the way I am currently working on my chapter three.. hopefully boleh siap by subuh... Ameeeeeen.

Seventeenth

Aku baru saja habis meratap... No, masih belum habis.. I am still meratap...

Semalam I was quite pleased with the day.. Alhamdulillah aku dapat bawak Emak aku and dua orang Kakak aku yang aku sangat sayangi pergi rumah cousin kawin.. Congratulations, aku suka melihat penyatuan hati.. suka melihat kebahagian.. sesuatu yang aku rasa tak mungkin berlaku pada aku... yeah.. it just won't ... perhaps I am just destined to be unhappy.. but the if being unhappy works for me.. then why not????

Yeah.. am crying.. been a daily routine now.. too painful.. but don't get me wrong... and please put your worry aside.. being a self-blamer and "The" toxic handler..  I don't blame others for my unhappiness.. mungkin aku yang memilih untuk tidak happy...

Sama macam kita pilih untuk dengar selections of lagu sedih meruntun kalbu walhal ada saja lagu-lagu upbeat yang inspirational and motivating...

Being unhappy doesn't mean I want others to be like me as well.. semalam aku drive dari Bandar Seri Sendayan ke Simpang Bekoh, dari pekan kecik yang dekat dengan sempadan Johor itu aku ke bawak Emak and Kakak aku Cik Dip ke Seri Sendayan.. lepak umah aku yang merupakan sebuah gua pertapaan... pastu terus ke Balakong.. dari Balakong amek kakak Kak Ati di Kota Kemuning... then terus ke rumah cousin kawen di Bandar Seri Putra.. lewat malam... hantar Kak Ati balik kota kemuning.. and aku, Emak, and Kak Dip teruskan perjalanan balik Simpang Bekoh pastu.

Aku allergy dengan majlis perkahwinan, tapi aku lakukan ini demi kegembiraan Emak aku... bawak kakak-kakak aku jalan pun sebab nak buat mereka happy... walaupun aku pernah dilabel oleh my very own toxic handler (hereafter, MyTC) sebagai "sedih"... dan dituduh sebagai pencetus dan penyebar kesedihan... tapi aku cuba untuk memberikan sedikit keriangan pada orang-orang disekitar aku.. tapi entahlah.. mungkin kata-kata beliau ada benarnya..  

Yesterday's journey was short, but it reminded me of their visit to the States way back in 1999. Oh my.. lama dah. Yeah all "travelers" were there yesterday. Aku teringat bawak kereta dari Philly to Niagara Falls.. aku masih ingat aku beli a replica of bas sekolah kat Canadian part of Niagara Falls. Aku memang ada obsession kat American bas sekolah... since my childhood days.. 

First, color nye seragam... masa aku keci warna bas sekolah kat Mesia tak seragam.. warna warni.. ada belang-belang.. mmmm.. ingat bas Tok Wahid.. kakak-kakak aku selalu gunakan service beliau... so keseragaman warna bas macam bas sekolah and bas kilang during these days mengambil trend or example dari US...hmmm.. memang banyak trend datang dari sana right?

Secondly, the color... kaler jingga ... type of jingga.. the earthy jingga really captures my eyes.. not really sure sama tak dengan jingga Amanah,.. jingga BERSIH, or buku jungga... What matters their bas sekolah memang cun. 

Thirdly, bas sekolah diorang tak macam kita kat sini... muka bas diorang ada muncung.. macam lori nye muncung.. itu buat aku lagi suka.. the best part bas sekolah je yang ada muncung.. kalau tengok bas biasa macam bas express Greyhound ke.. semua muka penyek macam biasa.  Even masa tahun 70an and 80-an.. perhaps sampai 80s  kot bas-bas kat Saudi bermuka muncung lori tu.. tu nengok kat TV or pictures of Mecca, Medina, and Jidda... aku just suka tengok... hehehe.. 

You know what I gave my favorite replica yang aku beli kat Niagara Falls tu kepada MyTH... Hopefully beliau akan sentiasa ingat aku... sentiasa ingat yang aku hargai beliau... ingat yang aku alaways ingat apa yang beliau selalu ingatkan aku...

Yeah, replica itu murah.. tapi kenangannya cukup besar and terlalu bermakna pada aku.... Trip 1999.. Philly, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Montreal, Quebec, Rhode Island, NYC... then back to Philly menyebabkan aku jadi sangat sayang pada family specifically my Mother.. adik beradik.. khususnya kakak dua orang yang selalu tak ngam tu... tapi sama status dengan aku.. I love them so much.. kalau mereka perasan.. I just can't say no to their request... no matter what... aku ikut kan.. aku tak banyak soal.. aku sedaya upaya penuhi...

Aku tak pasti sama ada family, kawan.. even MyTH... do they realize my ultimate role is bridging rather than burning... kala ada pihak yang bermusuhan.. aku damaikan.. kala ada pihak bermasam muka.. aku sedaya upaya jadikan mereka senyum...

Aku menangis sudah 17 hari.. kerana kesilapan aku sendiri.. aku diblok komunikasi oleh MyTH, who has been a part of my PhD support system.. sekiranya that support system adalah sebuah rumah tradisional Melaka yang banyak kat perkampungan antik Kampung Morten... maka MyTH is the tiang seri... bagaimana mungkin rumah dapat terus kukuh apabila tiang serinya enggan melimpahkan serinya lagi????

Mungkin kerana kemarahan yang menyala-nyala.. mungkin sudah tidak tahan dengan tingkah keanakan aku... beliau tidak nampak baiknya aku pada waktu sekarang..  yeah.. ramai yang mengatakan mereka benar-benar kenal aku... rupanya tidak... mereka hanya nampak yang luaran.. tidak hati dan jiwa aku... 

Yeah.. aku menangis.. menangis.. tapi kerja tetap dilakukan.. entahlah... sampai bila nak kena block.. aku lebih rela being blogged rather than being blocked... aku rasa so tortured... mmmm aku benar-benar berharap beliau segerakan the unblocking... aku nak buat keje..

Ya Allah... mohon terus beri kekuatan dan tidak melalukan kesilapan yang sama lagi.